"I have come here..."

i have come here to grieve
to be where wailing cannot be
heard by loved ones,
or friends.

I have come here to feel her loss
deeply...to let myself give birth to
the mother I almost was,
and cannot bear to let go of.

I have come here to sit on the edge
of the world and cast my heart into
a vast sea of mingled despair
and hope.

I have come here to weep words upon
this page in tears, and rain, and let the
mist turn paper into something that
ripples and curls like the the surface of
water.

I have come here to write about a child
I love, and whose name I am not encouraged
to speak...

but here I can whisper to her about the dreams
I have for her,
I can sing her lullabies of sailboat that navigate
a sea of starts,
I can hold her here, rocking side to side, until
my heart is quiet, and the only sound is
the hush of the sea...

and in my dreaming here...I speak
her name....
Jane,
my Jane.